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There’s Always Pain

painI was just reading David Cain’s blog over at Raptitude, where today he has an interview with Neil Pasricha of 1000 Awesome Things. I ended up writing a really long comment, and thought I’d just adapt it into a small blog post to share with the rest of you. It would probably help to read David’s post, and then come back to this one, but it’s not required. “Required,” like I’m a teacher telling you guys what to read. Eh, whatever. Let’s proceed.

David, you’re right – the thing that first attracted me to Neil’s stuff was the way he could capture everything that I (we?) secretly find awesome in life, and express it so well.

The idea that life’s not always pretty, and we have a choice in how to respond . . . that’s a theme that comes up a lot for me in what I do (with ItStartsWith.Us). David’s talked about it here, I’ve talked about it on my site, and Neil, now you’re talking about it. It’s just a fact, man. This is a rough world, and bad things happen. All. The. Time. You mentioned your best friend dying and your wife leaving during the course of your project, and very similar things have happened in my life during the course of mine. The way I see it, you have two choices: focus on the pain and on yourself, or continue to turn outwards, focusing on the joy you can give to others and also experience for yourself.

We’re not perfect. No one is. Humans are messy creatures, and we just wade through life, doing the best we can. Hopefully when we’re done, we’ve tried our hardest to improve the situation for those around us, and we’ve had some successes. And where we’ve failed, hopefully we have forgiveness.

A lot of this stuff is really, really emotional. One of the hardest parts of my job is getting so many emails from so many hurting people asking for help, and knowing that I (we) can only help one or two at a time. “And what of the rest?” says my brain. “What of all the people you’re ignoring and leaving behind?”

Those are hard questions for any of us as we go through life. I was talking to the founder of Camp Heartland (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1101020812-333891,00.html) the other day – it’s a free camp for HIV-infected and impacted kids each summer, where they have everything they need, and can feel like “normal” kids for a week. It’s a fantastic project, but it’s tough – they lose kids every year – kids who come to camp this summer, but aren’t alive the next. I asked this guy, “You see more than your fair share of pain and suffering in this world. How do you get through that without becoming broken yourself?” His response was pretty cool. He said, “We all see so much pain and suffering in this world. And when we see it, we have choices: we can do nothing, we can do our fair share, or we can do more than our share. I’m choosing to do more than my share, and that’s the best I can do.”

And I guess that’s it. We’re not Superman, so we can’t do it all. But we can do more than our share. And that’s a net gain.

I’m going to try to look at it like this: The more pain I see, the more opportunities I have to help, and the more options I have to choose where I (we) can make the greatest impact. I’m going to try to look at it as an opportunity, and not as a crushing wave of despair. I feel like that’s the best I can do.

I’d love to hear what you guys think. There is so much pain all around you every day . . . how do you handle it? What’s your philosophy?

Photo Credit: LunaDiRimmel

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  • shifty

    Well you obviously know me extremely well but if you want to know my philosophy I’ll tell ya! “Motivation is key to success.” Yeah, I know you asked for my philosophy, not motto… Here’s an example: If you have to clean your entire house, chances are you’re not going to want to do it unless you find some motivation. Know how to motivate yourself!! I live by this.

    Most people are motivated by music or something generic like that so start there, but find what you’re most interested in and pursue that! I am very lazy at heart but no one sees me as that because I give myself the motivation I require (there’s that word again) to get what I need to done in order to provide for my family and I.

    This all ties in with your original question, I promise. Since this life is so full of disorder and turmoil; you need the proper motivation to keep yourself on the right track - to keep yourself sane, really. By motivating yourself, you become happier which, in turn, helps you cope with all the negativity around us and in the world.

    I try to help in every way I can but if I’m not able to, I move on. There’s no sense worrying about something you won’t be able to change. Most of the time this is much easier said than done but nevertheless, that should be your mindset. Millions of people struggle with anxiety (panic attacks) and it’s a really, really scary thing. Many strong people that I know have been through it and I’d like to try not to be one of them.

    In short, do your best at everything you do. Always think positive. Don’t worry about the “things” in life; think about the lives themselves.
  • Hi Nate.

    Here's the way I see it:

    I can't experience any pain that is not mine. So if I am suffering over someone else's suffering, I am actually creating suffering, I am not helping. I don't 'handle' the pain around me because that is only creating more.

    If I witness someone in pain, I don't believe I am doing them any service by suffering with them. I just don't think it is ever helpful to feel bad for someone. As a wise man said: empathy is helpful, sympathy is not.

    So I do not fret over the state of the world or the state of humanity. That doesn't mean I can't or don't help people who are suffering, but I don't let it bother me that I can't help everyone. To do that would be to impede my ability to help and to create joy. There is a misconception that we must resonate with pain and suffering in order to help other people.

    This is why we have sentiments like "I hate cancer" and "the battle against" this or that. Using negative emotions as motivation is a self-defeating way to be helpful, IMHO.

    The most helpful person is someone who is free of suffering.
  • You said it so elegantly: "focusing on the joy you can give to others and also experience for yourself."
  • Fabulous blog! I was up late searching for something related to Twitter and came across your handle. Now, I've signed up and have read quite a few posts. And here I am commenting. I'm on both sides of this phenomenon. I am on the board of a small non profit that's been doing good work in Haiti for years. I see good a lot. But, I struggle with my own pain when the demons rise. One day. One step.

    I partnered with my friend to blog about Random Acts of Kindness this month. The response has been good, but I had hoped better. It does start with us. And I'm exceptionally joyful to now be part of your project!
  • Dan
    I've gotten to see more than most people do in America. I've been to a few third world countries and have seen kids who live in houses made out of garbage, scrap metal, and rocks who have no shoes of any kind and one pair of shorts to go with a tattered shirt. Even without clean water or knowing when they will get to eat next, they were the happiest kids I've ever seen.

    After seeing and experiencing that, playing with them and giving them water or soccer balls, I can never complain about anything in my life. I have annoyances, they have problems. Even if they're the last ones who realize it.
  • Well said, Dan. Wow.
  • Jen
    Nate, I really think your philosophy on facing pain and suffering is a wonderful one. Rather than looking at pain and feeling depressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, doubtful and helpless, we can see it as an opportunity to share our light with the world. To make that person smile, or give them a hug, or do something to help them along. I think if everyone adopted this philosophy, the world would be a much better place, better equipped to deal with the not so bright side of life.
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